Ever present in my mind is, what do I say to my children later in life? How do I help them to understand my inner most desires? How can I lead them to what I've come to know as happiness? So I write! I do this for them, this is what keeps me going in the daunting task. Especially when I invite others in on my inner most feelings and few take a peek.
This night when I awoke to see the clock reading 3:30, with all of the individuals on my mind that I care for, those whom I have been called to serve, and also friends and family, I sought to know how I can help. I opened my electronic scriptures to see what inspiration I could have in my desire, and my mind began to think of how 1 year ago I was also up in the middle of the night but last year the scene was much different. In fact just about every night I was up at 3am vomiting, crouched over a toilet in pain. Then I thought about the November before, and the same thing, and the November before that, way back to 6 years before.
I thought of how since 2006 I have had issues that should have broken my will to carry on, certainly at the time I was broken, yet here I am. I thought of how my loving companion has had to deal with my depression, and my hopelessness, my paralyzed mind, and the long hospital stays. How she had to deal with individuals whispering to her mind how she'd made a horrific decision in marrying me, and how that must have surly seemed so during this time, yet she kept the faith. Faith in me, in her covenants, and most importantly in Christ.
When she speaks of those times, in Ogden, Roy, Bountiful, and some of West Point, some of it I do not remember. We have named those years the "dark ages", for that is what they were. I do however remember the battles of dragging myself out of bed to get to work, and the crying, and the medications that held me hostage. I remember the pleadings with Heavenly Father to help me be able to get to church, to be able to go to the store without feeling threatened. It was a hell! I do remember the feeling of worthlessness, and the judgments, I remember that. I do have fond memories also of having opportunities to share the gospel. The times when I did feel the warmth of the sun. I took those opportunities because they were so rare, and they gave me hope.
I write this to remember, to remember how merciful the Lord has been to me. While we have struggled dearly, I realize there are others who have tread through much deeper waters, and remained much more valiant and faithful than I. I see the wisdom now in my suffering, it was to soften my heart, to be patient to those who likewise suffer. To lift the hands that hang down, to offer the example of my experience as a witness that we can still go on believing.
In all of this I wish to say that I struggled mightily with my faith, not in my testimony that Jesus is the Christ, but in my willingness to continue to follow Him. It was so hard to mentally be there when physically, and mentally I was in shambles, when I saw how my wife and children needed me and I could not help. In a time when education was to be obtained, and careers started, I lay on the floor completely at the mercy of circumstance.
In all of that though, here I am, fighting on, still bearing witness that in all of life's storms Jesus still is the master of the raging seas, and at His command doth the winds and the waves obey His will as He says unto them, "Peace, be Still."
So may it be in your life, let His words speak to your raging seas, "Peace, be sill!"
